Critters denuding my vegetable garden. Beans blasted. Cucumbers eviscerated. Even squash squished.
The Solution.
Coyote urine. Believe it or not, you can buy it a bottle. The one eau de toilette guaranteed to get you noticed in the lupine set. And man, does it work. Not even a tooth mark on those luscious new bean leaves.
The Unintended Consequence.
Call it blowback. I'd left the bottle out in the sun during the week I was away from the farm. And before replenishing the strategically deployed cotton balls in my garden, I thought I'd better check to make sure the nectar hadn't lost it's...pungency. So unwisely, I opened the bottle and took a great, big sniff.
The watery eyes and hacking cough were instant proof that the bouquet hadn't faded a bit. The smell is sort of like a liquified essence of the Canal Street subway station in August -- but simmered and reduced to a demi-glace potency. So powerful is it, that my ill-considered sniff apparently fused or melted or mutated my nasal receptors such that even today -- 70 miles distant from the coyote urine -- I'm still smelling it, wherever I turn.
In short, I'm swimming in an imaginary cloud of hyena pee. I live in fear that I'll soon see the neighborhood dogs' eyes alight with a desire that they themselves barely understand.
What am I going to have to do to get rid of this?
4 comments:
It's the fact that it's up in your nose that's the real problem. This stuff is supposed to be safe for use on skin, but mucous membranes are something else entirely.
No, you're right. It won't help the current problem. But as I live in a house alive with teenage foot odor...it may still come in handy.
Have you tried inhaling borscht? Flush it right out. Strange, I once woke up at the Canal subway station in a blazing hot August sun - have had a crisp intolerance to carp ever since.
I've got exactly the same problem -- one that I haven't had in years previous -- something's eating the leaves off my cucumbers, canteloupes and peppers.
But the problem is -- it's a coyote.
I wonder if coyotes are repelled by human pee? Stands to reason, don't you think? Get out in the garden, throw back a few frosties, and drain the weasel in indiscriminate directions? Sounds like a plan!
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